Sowing Seeds

In my younger days, before children, I wrote regularly in journals, not for anyone but myself. It was cathartic. In 2007, this blog was started as a record of my life for my children. Having no family history, it was important to … Write. Things. Down. 

This blog would eventually bloom, wither, and spread its seeds. A seed at the Lost Daughters. A seed to a media campaign. A seed to a young adult group. Some of these seeds became appearances at various conferences … KAAN (Korean Adoptee and Family Network), AAC (American Adoption Congress), and YWCA Racial Justice Summit. 

Eventually, that chapter of my life would end with our move to Seoul. Finding myself in my original home and culture left me wanting more. I wanted to be Korean, despite spending more than 45 years pushing that identity away. 

Each year, I would return to visit with friends and to claim more of my culture. Then the world stopped in 2020, and my trips to Korea abruptly halted. Not only would I realize that I could pass away without claiming my place in my home country, but 2021 would reveal the hatred of my adopted country.

Mortality. It’s often linked to a faith. My adopted faith was Christianity, like many adoptees. The more I researched my culture and history, the more I doubted that adopted faith.

Today, I find comfort in K-dramas that address the afterlife and reincarnation. I long to believe that I will have a second chance to meet my first family in my next life. 

Recently, the “Bless Yer Lil’ Ol’ Heart” podcast was revived and now has its first season on Faith and Adoption. Most episodes are short and paint the picture of faith in a small, Appalachian town.

Future episodes will include references to several K-dramas that address the afterlife as seen by Koreans.

When Home is Out of Reach …

More than two years ago, I fell off the webverse … a self-preservation measure. During this time, I was able to push my pain deep within my soul. I concentrated on creating things with my hands.

 

The ceramics studio is closed, non-essential. Normally sitting at home quietly is a luxury. Most often, I go into a mindful nap. It’s the fourth week now.

Watching the numbers of deaths rise, brings me so much sorrow. I take comfort in knowing my adoptive parents are not here to weather this horrific scene. Both would have been at high risk, my mother with her heart disease and my father with his respiratory issues. While I can rest in this fact, the death toll reminds me that no one is exempt from loss.

Someday, my children will need to face their parents’ passing. I began this blog as a record of my life where many essential details had been erased. I wanted my children to know as much as I knew about myself.

With the current pandemic, I find myself thinking about how my life might close and where that might occur. As an unsolved mystery, my beginnings were erased, and I find myself wanting to close my life where it began.

While most would say, “Do it!” It is far more complicated. As an American citizen with no dual citizenship and no known relatives in Korea, I do not have the birthright to be buried or have my remains left in Korea. I hope that in my lifetime, I might either be able to find my Korean relatives or that the laws will change to allow me to die in Seoul.

When my thoughts attempted to drown me in sorrow, my fellow adoptees recommended I watch “Itaewon Class” on Netflix. What a ride … to see the streets of Seoul as I remember them! It’s bittersweet; I want to be in Seoul, but for now, my place is here where my husband and children are.

Sadly, I discovered this show has a character who was also abandoned by her mother (Episode 6, the first 5 minutes). Each time a scene like that plays, I am reminded of the loss that I have ignored but still sits in the pit of my stomach.



When I want a few laughs, I watch my nighttime comedy shows. It was here that I met the boys of BTS through Jimmy Fallon and James Corden. I found their performance in Grand Central to be incredibly breathtaking.



Their antics as they play water games made me laugh until I cried. The older boys, Jin and Yoongi, remind me of myself when they are walking around the water obstacle course (that Old Man wide, cautious walk).

Today, I found a fictional story about the seven boys of BTS that spoke to the 80s teen in me who fell in love with the boys of the book and film, “The Outsiders.” The BTS storyline is based on their song, “Save Me.” In it, Ho-seok plays a character who’s abandoned by his mother at a fair. Again, the imagery brought back the pain in the center of my soul. 

All this brings not only sorrow but hope … hope that someday, it will be a person’s right to know the details of their beginnings. I guess I will just wait …

Credit for last video to YouTube channel SUGA & spice.