31 August 2015

Korea: The Reckoning

A whirlwind of planning, setbacks and finally a day of “what happens, happens” lead our small family of four (plus three, very patient kitties) to our Korean Air flight. The week prior had held the wrong person’s nightguard not fitting my mouth, the boy’s fractured bone and non-compliant pet micro-chips.

Once the bags were in the van, my friend, Cynthia, at the wheel, and a trio of crying cats cruising down the highway, my mind shut down. I wanted to chat those last minutes with my friend, but I was physically and mentally spent. I immediately fell asleep.

Since my father’s death and the subsequent news of an older half-brother, my life had no time to tailspin. I held it in, again. Small releases of steam came out as cursing at kids and small grown-up tantrums. My remaining little family had been tolerant, but I felt selfish in not allowing them the time to process this trip with me. Shit, I didn’t have time to process.

I have been silent in my sorrow … silent in my fears.  What if my children hate Korea? Will they hate me for the yearning my heart has had since my first trip back last summer?

As the lights dimmed on the plane, and my daughter fell fast asleep, the tears ran down my face. We had done it. We were making that pilgrimage to the place of my birth … the place my father loved … the place where my brother was left. Questions flooded my mind, and I felt I was drowning. Would I find Daddy some closure? Would I find my parents too? Would my brother feel upset with me for not finding him sooner?

I have been lost more times than I can count. Lost from my original family, lost from the only parents I remember, and lost from my big brother. I have almost lost my little family too. I often feel very alone in my sadness.

Just as I had talked myself into this frenzy that I know so well, the hands of my husband came from behind my seat to show his caring and knowing of my fears.

And I am back. The focus. My search. Sharing the joy of the small wonders I found in Korea with my little remaining family …

Not many are able to take this journey. I understand that … and I am grateful for this opportunity.

I am ready to land on my feet.

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